ASU Research E-Magazine: Fathers Without Fail

Think of post-divorce parental conflict as a form of child abuse. Every argument, every vindictive act, scars not just your former spouse, but also the child you claim to love. The child who loves and needs you both. The child who feels a little worse about him or herself every time a parent is put down. The child who subconsciously understands that she is a part of each of you. So, if you or your former spouse is bad, then the child must somehow be bad, too. Right? Count the blows. Measure all those hidden scars.

“Post-marital conflict is the single best predictor of long-term outcomes for the child. That’s where all the dynamite is,” says Bill Griffin, who directs ASU’s Marriage and Family Therapy Program as well as its Marital Interaction Lab. Researchers at the lab assess married couples, divorced couples, couples where one partner has a chronic illness, and father/child interaction.

“With divorce, we find that conflict is most prevalent when at least one party feels that he or she has been betrayed,” Griffin says. “The implied relationship agreement or marital contract was broken in some way. Whether that was ‘until death us do part’ or ‘I’ll take care of you’, or whatever that person perceived.”

Griffin’s work involves ways to diffuse such conflict to spare the child, whom he views as the ultimate, yet often unintentional, victim. His study subjects are selected randomly from public divorce records, usually within six months of their divorce. Some first work with Sanford Braver, others head straight to Griffin’s laboratory.

The “lab” is a living room-like setting with two fairly unobtrusive cameras. Divorced parents are asked to take a seat and discuss some child-related issue while the cameras roll. They talk for about 15 minutes. Then they review the tape and record their feelings or reactions to each verbal or non-verbal action they observe. Behavior/reaction responses from many subjects are coded in this way. Together, they form a type of “If, Then” response scenario.

For instance, if one partner rolls his or her eyes, then the other might feel angry. If one dismisses the other’s comments, frustration might result. By mapping things that trigger or inflame conflict, Griffin and the other ASU scientists hope to teach ex-couples how to avoid or diffuse tensions.

“What we find is that mothers tend to press agendas, steering discussions back to each point until it can be resolved,” Griffin says.

One such issue might be: “You’ve been late the last three times you’ve picked up the kids.” While she may well have a valid issue, it can have explosive overtones. The mother’s perspective might be that the father is intentionally inconveniencing her on the “one night she has off”, or that the waiting children get the message that they are not important in dad’s life. The father’s perspective might be that his car is old and breaking down because he is strapped financially, or that he is working overtime to make ends meet.

A noncombative couple might work to solve the problem. They might say things such as, “How can we improve the car/financial situation so that we all win?” Or, “Is there any way that I can be informed that you’ll be late so that we could make back-up plans?”

But the combative couple would probably respond with something inflammatory. “Couldn’t you at least get to a telephone?” Or, “Here I am busting my butt to pay your bills and you complain ‘cause I’m a little late.”

The ASU programs try to teach parents to understand each other’s points of view and to respond much differently.

According to Griffin, a father might be asked to imagine that he had a date with a beautiful woman whom he wanted to impress. What would he do then if his car conked out or if he needed to work late? How would that woman feel if he were late?

Similarly, a mother might be asked how she would respond if her best friend experienced car or financial troubles or was often late. Each parent is then encouraged to react in a similar manner to his or her children and ex-spouse.

“We try to keep the focus on the child,” Griffin explains.

He provides sample reminders of how to maintain focus.

“Is your goal to make your ex-spouse’s life miserable, or is it to do what’s best for your child?”

“You can’t control your ex, but you can control your own behaviors to benefit your child.”

“If you continue behaving like this it will hurt your child; so if you want what’s best for that child, stop it!”

Once one or both parents complete their training, both are brought back to make and analyze another interaction video. They continue doing so for nearly a year.

Reducing post-marital parental conflict also yields another important side effect. Doing so makes it easier for both parents to maintain healthy relationships with their children.

“Asking which parent is more important to children after a divorce is like asking which you’d rather give up, your heart or lungs. Both are absolutely essential to life and your well-being,” Braver explains. The same applies to one’s parents.

When divorce rates first began to skyrocket during the 1970s, many people assumed that with a strong mom, and financial support from dad, children of divorce would turn out just fine.

Sanford Braver has been a professor and researcher at ASU for 27 years. The veteran psychologist says that evidence gathered from virtually every study conducted since the 1970s clearly shows that the lack of a strong father figure is connected to nearly every social ill one can imagine. Lack of a strong father figure can lead to gang involvement and violence, drug and alcohol use, depression and interpersonal problems, early sexual activity and teen pregnancies, as well as lower education levels and living standards.

In modern America, one of every two marriages ends in divorce. More than 17 million kids—40 percent of American children—now grow up without a father at home. That number represents a 56 percent increase from 20 years ago. That is one reason Braver has committed himself to working with noncustodial fathers in a program called Dads for Life.

During their research, both Braver and Griffin came to understand and appreciate the unique issues, difficulties, and barriers noncustodial fathers face while parenting. There are other important needs for the program. In Arizona’s Maricopa County alone, fathers gain primary physical custody of their children in less than 10 percent of all divorces. Maricopa County includes Phoenix, Tempe, Mesa, Glendale, and Scottsdale. The county encompasses an area approximately the size of the entire state of Maryland, and includes more than 3 million residents.

“Unlike the Deadbeat Dad portrayals we hear so often on the news, we found that most divorced dads were desperate to stay involved,” Braver explains. “They were frustrated, felt screwed by the legal system, and were actually crying out for help.”

These fathers believed that they can no longer influence their children very much without seeing them each day, he continues.

“They missed the spontaneity; felt they were completely under their ex-wife’s thumb where visitation was concerned. Since their child support payments went directly to the courts, they couldn’t see the new ball glove, dance lessons, and other things that their children gained from that support.

“Dads for Life is about giving them hope,” Braver adds. “The program is about assuring fathers that they are in a position to impart what I call the ‘father goodies,’ and that, in fact, it’s their responsibility to do so. They just have to parent differently. Our program gives them the tools and perspectives they need to do so consistently.”

By “father goodies,” Braver refers to things like the unique ways in which fathers discipline and motivate, train sons for manhood, help daughters develop healthy male/female relations, and provide solid financial help. He reassures noncustodial dads that it is possible for them to provide those “goodies” by calling their kids each day, and by sending hand-made cards, letters, videos and e-mail. He also tells dads to keep assuring children that the kids are often in their thoughts and that “dad will always be there for them.”

“Marriages may fail, but fathers never should,” Braver adds.

Luckily, despite the large amount of publicity suggesting otherwise, Griffin and Braver maintain that statistics show that an overwhelming majority of marriages end “amicably,” with both parents admitting fault and focusing on the best interests of their children. They also estimate that 90 percent or more of all noncustodial parents stay involved with their children and pay their child support.

Despite the numbers, researchers like Griffin and Braver are all-too-often tasked with helping society deal with children that parents hurt with their actions, intentional or not.

“Think about it. We take lessons that teach us how to drive or train for a career,” Griffin says. “Yet, the most costly thing we do in our lives to impact others and society is produce children. But our system still provides almost no mandatory training before marriage, conception, or divorce.”

Perhaps pre-training for the first two might someday help minimize the third. —Lindsey Michaels