ASU Research E-Magazine: Embarassing Strategies

Two high school girls were sick of the couple who always made out next to their lockers. Half-jokingly, they posted a petition at school calling for the riddance of the couple—“along with their sexual antics”—from the locker bay.

Embarrassed, the female half of the couple cried. The girls felt bad—but the couple never made out near the lockers again. Score one for a masterful plan of deliberate humiliation to achieve a goal.

People hate being embarrassed. Yet, they often intentionally embarrass others to send a message, control behavior, or attain certain goals. Sandra Petronio studies this behavior, known as strategic embarrassment.

Effective strategic embarrassment takes skill and thought. Successful planners know their target’s personality. They carefully choose the time and place.

“The more public it is, the more humiliating,” Petronio says.

Sometimes the embarrasser’s intent is positive, as in the case of the teenager who bumps his friend into a cute girl in the mall. Other times the intent is search and destroy.

In some cultures, women who do not conform to social expectations are brought into a public arena, where the community members humiliate them, Petronio explains. Arizona’s own version of that tactic could be Phoenix cable Channel 11’s plan to broadcast the photos of people who are caught soliciting prostitutes.

“Strategic embarrassment has been proven to be a very effective conformity tool,” Petronio says.

Teachers use it. Parents use it. So do friends and family members. Spouses sting each other to highlight behaviors they don’t like. The media are especially adept at strategically embarrassing public figures.

Co-workers may embarrass colleagues in an attempt to discredit them. For example, an employee may think another is taking undue credit for a report they both prepared. During the presentation of that report, the employee who feels slighted may try to make the other look foolish by asking him a question he can’t answer.

Adolescents often embarrass their friends to make them conform to their peer group’s expectations.

“Where’d you get those shoes?” They’ll taunt the kid sporting an unfamiliar brand. “K-mart blue light special?”

Holiday gatherings breed opportunities for strategic embarrassment. Dinner guests who don’t know the difference between a salad and dinner fork are especially at risk.

Or, a friend might shame his raucous buddy into sobriety by publicly relating what happened the last time that he overindulged.

Mothers-in-law may put their faulty daughters-in-law on the spot: “Thank you for inviting me to your home, dear. It’s been sooo long since I’ve been here.”

So what do you do if you are the target of strategic embarrassment? Walk away, use humor, or as bad as it sounds, blame someone else. For example, direct the mother-in-law’s attention to her son.

In a 1984 study, Petronio found that women are more likely to blame or shift the center of attention to others. Men apologize, deny the incident, or change the topic. Subsequent research found no support for the differences, she says.

People’s anxiety in embarrassing experiences makes quick comebacks hard to come by. Good communicators are most likely to save face in embarrassing situations, Petronio says.

Much of the outcome depends on the witnesses. They can make the situation worse by laughing or teasing the person. More often than not, the observers will help the target person by ignoring the situation or rebuilding the person’s self-esteem. They also can embarrass the embarrasser with a reprimand or caustic rebuttal.

“While strategic embarrassers may feel powerful in creating a situation where they humiliate someone, they need to be aware that it could backfire on them,” Petronio adds.—Amanda Kingsbury